Make a date with each other, or select a time and place, where you will work on transforming your differences into deeper love, respect, and intimacy. Treat it like you would an appointment with a couple’s therapist. To begin this process, make a list of all your differences. It’s most effective if you categorize them into differences you admire and enjoy, and differences that cause friction. Since the goal is to deepen intimacy, you’re going to learn that this new way of talking to each other works any time you want to understand each other more clearly. Once you get comfortable with this form of communicating, you’re going to want to make it an important part of how you interact. I would advise you to begin to learn this new way of opening up to each other by working with one of the differences that you both admire and appreciate. You can decide whose list you take this first item from. Have an open discussion about why you appreciate how you are each different in regard to this item. Discuss why you think it’s a benefit for the two of you. This is a nice beginning to set the tone for this discussion.

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To make this concept work successfully for you, you must both be willing to have open-hearted, revealing conversations with each other. You have to be able to talk about your differences in a way that stays loving. To do that you must keep in the forefront of your thinking the realization that everything you’re going to be doing here is to insure an enduring relationship. You got married wanting forever, this is an important part of making that a reality. So let’s get started.

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After you feel like you’ve gotten to the core of why you’re different in regard to the particular item you’re working on, tell each other how you’re feeling toward each other with this new insight. I suspect you’ll be feeling more deeply connected. It’s very sweet. When you’re working on the differences that create friction between you, this final step will help a lot. What you must do is create a plan for dealing with whatever feelings might come up the next time that particular difference shows up. Hopefully, your reaction will not be as strong, but if you have a plan already in place, you’ll both be able to make some significant shifts in how you react.

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Now you can move into the meaty part of what this conversation can accomplish for you. Take turns talking about why you think you each are the way you are. How did you come to be this way. Look back on your childhood, how your parents were as models, how you maybe developed safety mechanisms to counter something that was going on in your childhood. Maybe you were married before and you created certain types of conditioning to get along with your partner. I was married for 29 years to someone who was judgemental. But not in any way that was obvious, which turned out to be very damaging. The conditioning that was put into place was to fear making any kind of mistake. How that interferes in my relationship with my partner today is that I feel judged when he goes into what I call his Professor Mode. He has been a finance professor for over 20 years. His topic is pragmatic so he teaches in a pragmatic way. But for me, it seems critical. He was lovingly trying to help me learn, but my defenses went up. We talked about these differences between us and he admitted that I am not the first to point this out. So he said he would try to be more gentle and loving, that he would not assume things about what I was thinking, and that if he forgot, to stop him. The outcome of this conversation is that I don’t get defensive and he is more than willing to shift how he is talking to me so that I feel loved, which is his greatest desire.

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Just remember that the goal is not to be right, but to be loved. You cannot float in a river of love if you are mucking around in a hole of mud. Besides, being right at the cost of losing your connection is not going to help you sleep better at night. It’s certainly not going to hold you or make love to you. You can learn more about how to turn your marriage into a love story in Marriage Makeover Manual

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Another, even stronger piece of my conditioning is that, as a little girl, I felt like I was a bother. I won’t go into why that belief was put into place, but it helped me to step right into believing my husband when he made me feel like I was a screw-up. He’s since apologized for putting me through all those years of his judgementalism, but the damage was done. Because I understand this about myself, I can work on it in every arena where it gets in the way of what I want, and my partner can help me let go of that old conditioning. From this example, can you see how this kind of deep understanding of each other can create more intimacy? The more you know about each other, the more you understand why you are the way you are, the closer you will become. That’s because you’ll be sharing from your hearts.

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